Four Pre-Divorce Questions You Need to Ask Yourself

It’s easy to get sidetracked by your feelings when in a turbulent relationship. You don’t like who you are with this person. You don’t know why you’ve put up with so much for so long. You don’t know how much more of this you can take.

It’s no surprise that, as the anger and resentment builds, so too does the desire to divorce. Here’s where you need a dose of reality: your feelings aren’t always right. They may feel right and because they exist, they are valid but they are not always right. Use the following four pre-divorce questions to separate what you feel from what you know:

Pre-Divorce Question #1: Am I unhappy with who my spouse is or am I unhappy with how he or she behaves?

Decide what it is about your marriage that has you wanting to leave. If it’s the way your spouse handles specific situations, there’s a lot that can be done to change your response to him or her. If it’s who your spouse is in every situation that he or she handles, then you’ve got a bigger issue. You don’t like who that person is and, if he or she sees no reason to change, you’re heading for divorce.

Pre-Divorce Question #2: Can I choose to be joyful and peaceful in a life partnership with this person if he or she never changes a single thing about him or herself?

There are two sides to this question:

Side 1- You choose how you feel about your spouse. Your reaction to your spouse is all you and your joy and peace are completely based on your reaction and how you choose to feel about what your spouse does. If you cannot spend the rest of your life constantly changing your thoughts and responses to deal with the negative attributes of your spouse and still have peace, then you’ve got a problem. Your spouse doesn’t have to change for you to be happy. You’ve got to change and if doing that feels like too much work on your part, it probably is and it’s time to move on.

Side 2- Are you willing to love your spouse unconditionally (i.e. without stipulations or requirements for change), even if he or she never changes? Change is a personal choice. You can’t make someone change and you can’t wait around forever for them to change. Acceptance is the issue and if you can’t accept this person as he/she is, where he/she is, for who he/she is, this marriage will not work.

Pre-Divorce Question #3: Do my spouse and I see eye to eye on the four big life issues:

1) Where we live (where home is)

2) Our careers (what we do and how much time we spend doing it)

3) How we raise our kids

4) How we spend our money

If there are major bones of contention in any of these four areas and they are not getting resolved, the likelihood of divorce increases.

Pre-Divorce Question #4: Are we sexually compatible?

Sex is a huge component of a marriage. The moment quality and consistency go down, problems that would’ve otherwise been overlooked become centerpieces for disagreement and stress. Sex often gets used as the scapegoat for other issues in the marriage. Anytime sex dwindles and no attention is paid to the cause and how to remedy the situation, divorce is on the way.

Give yourself at least thirty minutes of private time to respond to the questions. You’ll have a definite answer by the end.

No comments yet.
You must be logged in to post a comment.