Five Pre-Divorce Fears and How to Cope With Them

Fear can take on a life of its own if you let it. When faced with the possibility of divorce, it’s easy to go into fear mode. If you’ve never been divorced, you have no idea what’s coming next. If you’ve been divorced, you know exactly what awaits you… and you don’t want to go back there. Either way, fear creeps into your thoughts and action steps.

Here are five pre-divorce fears and how to dispel them:

Pre-Divorce Fear #1: If I get a divorce, I’ll be alone the rest of my life.

The older we get, the less time we feel we have. This fear is rooted in the idea that a divorce makes you “used goods”, that somehow you’re less desirable because you’ve failed at marriage and now come to any new relationship with baggage.

Here’s why that’s not true:

1) Every experience in life makes you more of who you are which gives you more to offer in a new relationship

2) You choose what baggage you bring into the relationship. You can choose to leave the past in the past and take only the lessons with you.

Pre-Divorce Fear #2: I can’t do it on my own.

You were born alone. You’ll die alone. Everything that you need to grow and prosper in life is within you. It can be an easier journey when you have two people working together as a team but, if you’re considering divorce, chances are, teamwork isn’t happening all that well. You are afraid of doing what you’re probably already doing within the marriage minus the fa├žade. Don’t worry about this. You will make it on your own.

Pre-Divorce Fear #3: We’ll divorce and my spouse will be happier and better off without me.

The main reason to get a divorce is so BOTH spouses can live happier and more complete lives without each other. That’s the goal. You don’t have to worry that your spouse will do it better than you because how you do it is your choice. You create your future but if you’re too busy minding your ex’s business, you’ll find that no one is tending to yours. Release your ex to have the greatest life possible and honor yourself by doing the same.

Pre-Divorce Fear #4: My kids will never recover from this.

Your children are resilient little beings. They will thrive in any atmosphere filled with love, acceptance and hope. If you work with your ex to create an environment of love, you’ll find that your children will respond in like kind. If, however, you choose to use blame, shame, guilt and sadness with your ex all the way through the divorce process, you will wind up projecting those feelings onto your children and they will take them on as their own. Even in that scenario, your children will grow up and find their own ways to cope with what happened. No matter what, their futures are up to them.

Pre-Divorce Fear #5: I’ll get divorced and one day live to regret it

Regret is a choice. You can look at every experience of your life in one of two ways:

1) as a lesson

2) as a punishment

Either way, you choose. Everything that happens happens for a reason. Most regrets that people have occur from things they didn’t do in life, not from what they did do. If you’ve lived with this person for a number of years and nothing has changed and both of you are unwilling to work together to change, the marriage has run its course. It takes two to make a marriage work. It only takes you to be happy and at peace with whatever choice you make. Again, regret is a choice.

I could keep going on about pre-divorce fears. There are many but it’s not which fears you have that counts. It’s what fears you hold and allow to paralyze you that matters. The great author, Paulo Coelho, in a book called “Warrior of the Light”, stated: “Fear can be used as an engine or a brake.”

How are you using your pre-divorce fears in your own life, as an engine, propelling you forward to your best life, or as a brake, keeping you stuck right where you are, unable to make a decision?

Either way, you choose.

No comments yet.
You must be logged in to post a comment.